I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
