the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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