: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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