when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So much rum. So many feels.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Randomize
