420 ftw
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
