If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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