If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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