YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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