got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
