When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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