On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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