It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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