wakey wakey hands off snakey
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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