i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
