if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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