Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
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