I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
