He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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