Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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