dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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