Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
