He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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