my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
