He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
