Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
look no pants
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
