I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
