OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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