no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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