I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
