My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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