Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
