I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
