the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
