I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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