what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
