So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
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