I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
