I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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