Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
