1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Randomize
