how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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