so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
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