i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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