my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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