i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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