my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
