I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
