I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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