my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
