U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
