I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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