either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
